Hints and Tips for a successful Life

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• At party time, Cornflakes packets make ideal jelly moulds for anyone requiring large rectangular blocks of jelly. Although they do have the disadvantage of not being waterproof.
• International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
• American organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
• Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
• Avoid over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check your day-to-day requirement for himself.
• When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
• Motorists. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
• A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
• Bus Drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
• Look 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
• When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.
• Next time you pop out to the supermarket, glue carpet tiles to the soles of your shoes. They'll make Sainsburys feel like your own living room.
• Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
• Don't put washing-up liquid in the garage or loft. Keep it handy in the kitchen. I put mine in the cupboard under the sink.
• Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
• Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
• Old folks. Avoid confusion between these new 'microwave' ovens and televisions by cutting out a large letter 'M' in brightly coloured paper, and sticking it to the door of the oven.
• Teenagers. Fed up with posters falling off the wall? Simply file them in a filing cabinet under 'P' and you'll know exactly where to find them if you want a quick look.
• Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
• Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
• Don't fork out on expensive smoke alarms. Simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top.In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air
• Re-spraying your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
• Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
• Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
• Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• Use sand instead of sugar in your tea. Can be re-used many times, and has far fewer calories.
• If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Make the child drink as many hot drinks as possible, such as tea or coffee, and within minutes the blockage will have simply melted away.
• Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
• Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• Taxi drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*** you're going.
• Pensioners. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
• Save the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time.
• Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
• Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.
• Take your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
• Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
• Give your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.
• Wig wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.
• Pensioners. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed.
• Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
• Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
• Weigh your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again, this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to reveal your pet's weight. (If weighing goldfish, remember to make an allowance for the weight of the bowl and
• Mums! When clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.
• Holidaymakers. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.
• Old folks. Foil the VAT man this winter by clambering up on top of a bookcase, cupboard or wardrobe. Warm air rises, and so the temperature will increase the higher you climb.
• Fun-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for dwarfs.
• Gardeners. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.
• Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.
• Pretend your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30.
• People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore inc