Top Signs you are a Londoner

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• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know which one.
• You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Dorset on a map.
• Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
• You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Smoke."
• You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
• You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a garden.
• You complain about having to mow it.
• You know where Karl Marx is buried.
• You consider Essex the "countryside"
• You think Hyde Park is "nature."
• You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
• You're paying ú1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it's a bargain.
• You've been to Tooting twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
• You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.K. pay in rent.
• You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
• You pay ú3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
• You scoff at zone 4 crowd even though you were raised in a farm town with a population of 57.
• You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
• You haven't cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey.
• You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
• Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
• You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
• You don't really hear sirens anymore.
• You wouldn't want to live anywhere else - until you get married.